T minus (unknown)

Just a precious few of the shirts in my closet, even the ones with "Maternity" on the tag, even begin to cover the bulge any longer. Were it not for a black Bella Band, I'd be flashing a swath of Michigan-White under belly everywhere I went.

Sleeping has become more challenging as the organs within me that are MINE have been crowded into a very small place just below my neck, a place that is, as it turns out, not conducive for efficient digestion, functioning, etc. I have a couch and soft warm afghans, though, so although it makes me a bit groggier when the morning rolls around, waking up at 2am to hit the sofa gives me some of that quiet solitude I seek throughout the days.

I'm seeing my obstetrician once a week now, for a routine once-over and exam I lovingly refer to as a "gown appointment." Strangely, I feel the same ambivalence toward these meetings as I do about nearing the end of this pregnancy.


To answer the question that seems to be the question for a woman at this stage in her pregnancy,

I'm NOT "so ready" for it to be over.

The calendar indicates just 10 more days until the ever-looming DUE DATE, and although I can not deny the discomfort of the aforementioned symptoms of late pregnancy, I can't say I'm entirely ready to trade it for what's to come. Yes, YES I am excited to meet the child and see if it's a boy or a girl, to stroke the face of this new person who has been so intimately tied to my existence for the last nine months, and I am curious to know how this birth story is going to play out. I'm anxious to sleep on my stomach again (for a day or two, at least,) and I can't wait to see Eden and Judah's reaction to their new little sibling. I can not wait to look into the eyes of my sweet husband as we experience the birth of our third child. But it could be our last, this baby, and I could never again feel a new life in my womb; in as much as it is possible, I am GRASPING at ways to soak it in, this feeling of a life within my life, so central to everything I do, think or say. While the anticipation is great, but there is a part of me that is comfortable just basking in the glow of potential, loving the parts of my life that are known and understood and not thrown into a blender of night feedings, sibling rivalry, cabin fever, post-partum hormones and spit up.

We will handle it, and life will balance once again. The sun will return to Michigan and the children will grow. We will be molded into our new roles in our family of five, and we won't be able to imagine life without this unknown little mystery rolling around within me. But for now, I'm okay with now.

For as long as now lasts.