Susanna's Sleep

It's a primal relationship. I'm hers; she's mine. We go together.

She is three months old now. Older. But I will say three months until I can't any longer. She sleeps a good long stretch at night, from 8/9pm, through a dream feed, and then often until 5 or 6am. 

Her siblings all slept farther away from me, either in the crib in the nursery from the get-go, or in the bassinet in another room. I couldn't sleep for the little grunty baby sounds, so we planned sleeping arrangements accordingly. And we started off in that direction with Susanna, but after only a week or two, I saw how much better she slept when I was in the room with her. It was as if just hearing my breathing put her at ease. Her little grunts and wiggles weren't keeping me from sleep at all; chalk it up to sleep-deprivation or being a more seasoned mother, I just was not as quickly alarmed at innocuous infant sounds. This preference on her part (and later, on mine) was providential, as our rooming arrangements at my parents' while we were between houses allowed a spot for the bassinet in, yep. Our room. Susanna was 5 weeks old when we moved into Yaya and Boppa's.

When we moved into the new house, her nursery was tucked right next to our room. I mean, it IS. It IS tucked right next to our room. With her changing table, and her clothes and diapers and wipes, and a cozy loveseat for nursing. And a crib that is set up but remains empty, even in those long stretches of the night, because the baby is tucked in her cozy bed next to her momma.

She's only three months, I tell myself. You're not doing any harm. It only feels prolonged because we did it differently with the others, and because I WANT everything prolonged with this likely-last baby. 

Right?

She sleeps nice long stretches at night, most of the time. But sometimes in the four-o-clock hour, and sometimes before that, she wants to nurse. I imagine her timer isn't set on Eastern Standard Time like mine. And I can't know if it's her sweet demeanor, or her close proximity to my sleeping ears, responding to her when she's just waking, but before she's upset. But when I pull myself out of my own slumber to bend over her little bed, she looks up at me with alert recognition, eyes big and sparkling in the dark, and her entire face, her whole body breaks into a smile at seeing me appear to pick her up, snuzzle her cheeks, and put her to the breast. 

These are the days.